How did it happen?……………………….=P
I have to say if I can sum up this whole baby thing in one word it would be – CRAZY.
Never did I imagine myself pregnant and honestly I never contracted that ‘baby fever’ or felt the whole ‘my clock is ticking.’ Writing this is challenging and I have no idea where to start.
It just happened so fast. Obviously JD and I have been on the fence for years about having kids and it was good that we were on the same page. We’d often check in on each other if we still didn’t want one or if we changed our minds and it was always the “nahhhhhhh.” We suffered from severe Peter Pan syndrome. We enjoyed not having to grow up. We loved our life the way it was and we had fun together acting like kids ourselves. Why throw in a third party into our mix?
I’d say the most challenging part through all this was that despite us wanting to live life the way we wanted on our terms (that’s the way it should be right?), there was a lot of inadvertent judgment and criticism from others even from those closest to us. Everyone and their next door neighbor was poppin babies left and right and we didn’t really fit in. We still wanted to pop bottles, not baby bottles. Being of Filipino culture didn’t help much either – you’re practically an outcast, like there’s something oddly strange and wrong with you, so there was an assorted barrage of familial, cultural, and societal pressures that the “normal” thing that we should be doing is having kids as a married couple. The one thing I was always grateful for was that my own parents never asked us about kids or when we were having them. They were never ‘baby hungry.’
Still, the cheap stabs of criticism and side comments of judgment about our lifestyle were such a turn-off and the more I was around that, the more it drove me off from wanting kids. It began to repel me to be around all the baby chatter. JD and I were happy together, really happy, too good to be true happy, but all the baby pressure was actually the biggest strain on our marriage. I felt suffocated, privacy violated, that I was just a mere vessel to birth life into the world. I began to resent our situation of having to be around that energy all the time and I felt like I couldn’t breathe and needed escape.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against kids or people wanting to have kids. To each their own. My job has been working with babies and kids for the past 10+ years and not just kids, but kids with special needs so it’s not like I have a cold heart. It’s just that when it gets to a point when I feel like others try to interfere with the timing of our life or my life in general and the path that I am on, it’s crossing another level.
I’m not out there trying to dictate what other people are trying to do with their life or shift the path they are on. That’s their life and none of my business. Who am I to tell another how to live or judge them for wanting or not wanting kids. You can probably guess, I completely respect others who don’t want to have kids and can understand why they would want to wait or not want them at all.
Older generations and other cultures fail to realize or have an open mind that times here in America are different for women now. We have aspirations just like men other than being a stay at home mom and birthing children. We’ve carved out bigger roles in society, have more responsibility, and want to achieve more. A lot of family units can no longer survive on a single income, and women have become more ambitious. People are having kids later in age and there’s more to life than just making babies.
I really don’t appreciate it when others, rather than finding a hobby or having a social life, find nothing else better to do than to seek their only pleasure in preoccupying themselves with the latest happenings of this person or that person and project what they want or their insecurities on somebody. I never found happiness by listening and following what someone else was desperately trying to influence me to do. It always repulsed me and made me push back because I felt like someone was getting in the way of my path that only the Big Man has set out for me. It was the same thing when my mom kept nagging me to go back to graduate school, eventually I went years later, but only because I was ready on my terms. I had to really want it for myself not for other people. It wasn’t their life.
So fast forward after years of dealing with that and we’re pregnant and I’m happy that it was on our own accord, on our time, on our terms. I had to distance myself from all that and JD and I got to a point during one of our check-ins. We both said we still weren’t sure about kids and decided maybe we should just do the ‘let’s see what happens’ and if it happens, it’s meant to be. Well guess it’s mean to be, cause it happened and it took some time to get over the shock because it happened so damn fast. I thought we would have to ‘try’ and try and try. Another thing you shouldn’t listen to is that people will even try to scare you into thinking that it’s hard and you’re gonna have to ‘try’ so you better get started. Everyone’s experience is different so bottom line, don’t listen to people especially when you get older, it’s just a bunch of people projecting their junk.
My message to those that struggle with deciding on wanting kids or who are struggling with any lifestyle choice that is taboo to your friends, family, etc. is that you know what’s right for you. Trust in the timing of your life and don’t be afraid to remove yourself from the negative energy and pressures so you can gain clarity and come to terms with what is the right choice for you devoid of what others think. We all put enough pressure on ourselves to ‘keep up with Joneses.’ Do yourself a favor and do you. You don’t have to follow the herd or jump on every bandwagon for approval or to impress anyone. Like I said earlier, you are the captain of your ship.
This was all really bothersome for me because I felt like people were meddling and adding their uninvited 2 cents into matters that were between myself, my husband, and God. As long as you have good intentions, you know your own truth and that’s between yourself and whatever you believe in.
Thanks for reading. This was very personal for me, but I wanted to be honest and share with others who may be struggling with similar life choices that are not always popular. This was probably the longest blog post I’ve written so I’ll have to continue a post on how this pregnancy is going at a later time.